137 Pounds- published by Anja Seide

I can still remember standing in the middle of my ballet class, trying not to cry while the

girls around me whispered and laughed. My teacher, Ms. Karina, stood in front of me

talking loudly about my “one pack,” pointing out how my stomach looked different from

everyone else’s. I never understood why she felt the need to embarrass me in front of

the whole room. I already knew I was bigger than the other girls. I lived with that

insecurity every day. But she made sure I never forgot it. She made me run extra laps.

She made me hold my planks longer than everyone else. And any time she caught me

eating something like Chick-fil-A, she would go on and on about how that is why my

body looked the way it did. After a while, her comments became the voice in my own

head.

Every morning I woke up, checked my weight, and then stared at myself in the mirror

until I cried.137 lb consumed my every thought. The I felt about those 137 lb took over

my whole life. I lost confidence in school. I pulled away from people I cared about. I

stopped feeling good enough for anything. My relationship with food became really

unhealthy. At one point, I even tried to induce anorexia  by not eating for two weeks. I

could not do it because I eventually got too hungry, but the fact that I even tried still

hurts to think about.

After my sophomore year, my mom noticed something was wrong. She saw how little I

ate and how hard I was on myself. She encouraged me to talk to someone, even if I

was not ready to talk to her. So I went to therapy.

A year later, I started to learn how to give myself grace. I learned that the words a ballet

teacher said to me six years ago did not have to control my whole life. It took time, but I

slowly started to heal. I let go of some of the shame I carried for so long. And now, when

I look in the mirror, I am learning to see myself instead of her voice. I am learning to

choose kindness toward my body. I am learning that I deserved better back then, and I

deserve better now.